


Service and Sacrifice

by everlent



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Childhood Friends, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Let's Go Lesbians!!, POV Catra (She-Ra), S5 SPOILERS!, catra character study, catra has a lot of feelings, it's all about the repressed emotion, someone help adora, the abuse is not explicit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:01:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24481678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everlent/pseuds/everlent
Summary: Catra learns about sacrifice and what it means to truly love someone. It just takes a couple years...
Relationships: Adora & Catra (She-Ra), Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Bow/Glimmer (She-Ra), bow and glimmer are not explicit i just wanted to throw that in there
Comments: 6
Kudos: 88





	Service and Sacrifice

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I don't expect many people to read this but She-Ra (particularly season 5) and Noelle Stevenson inspired me so much that I wanted to write this. I wrote it in 2 days and barely edited it, which I think you'll find pretty obvious, but I thought why not post it! 
> 
> This fic spans all the seasons and is literally just my take on Catra's thoughts and emotions at pivotal moments in the show (specifically between Catra and Adora). This fic was only supposed to be like 2k tops, so I haven't included some important moments. The moments I didn't include I love just as much! I just had more to say about the others lol. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Catra couldn’t remember a time when she hadn’t lived in the Fright Zone. Rusted pipes and burning steam vents and an endless sea of green. On and on and on. Every door she ever wanted to go through was locked and every place she ever wanted to visit was too far away. She couldn't remember a time when Shadow Weaver didn’t loom over her, always watching and waiting to catch her next slip up. It was like a game, in a way. Catra would mess up and Shadow Weaver would eventually find out and she would be punished and it would start all over. The game was trying to evade her. Seeing how long she could last without a reprimand or a none too gentle shock. Catra’s world: Fright Zone, Shadow Weaver, punishment. 

Her only other constant was Adora. 

“Catra!” Adora called, her voice frail and wobbly. “Come on, I know you didn’t mean to hurt Lonnie. It’s okay, she’ll forgive you.” 

Catra hissed from behind the crates she was hiding in. Adora didn’t understand. She _had_ meant to hurt Lonnie. And now they would never be friends again. Unfortunately, this involuntary hiss alerted Adora, and she crouched down beside Catra with a big smile. 

“Come back and play, Catra, it’s not as fun without you,” Adora said. Catra didn’t answer, wrapping her tail tighter around her legs. 

Adora frowned a little. “Why’d you do it? Did you guys have a fight?” 

Catra didn’t really know why she’d done it. She just knew that Adora and Lonnie had been playing a game together for a long time. A really long time. Catra didn’t like that, not when Adora was supposed to be _her_ best friend. “You’re _my_ friend. Not Lonnie’s,” Catra grumbled quietly. Adora seemed confused by this. “Can’t we all be friends?” she asked. 

“No! And I won’t say sorry, either! You can’t make me!” Catra yelled, running off down the corridor. Away from Adora and her annoying questions. But Adora followed her. 

Two days later, with Adora’s encouragement, Catra apologized to Lonnie. 

Racing to the Forge was something Catra always won. Adora claimed it was because she cheated, but she didn’t. She just...took advantage of her surroundings, that’s all. So sitting at the top, looking out over the grimy buildings and thick smog, while she waited for Adora to catch up became a regular occurrence. Eventually, Catra could hear panting behind her and she smiled just a little. 

“You” (deep breath) “cheated” (another deep breath) “ _again_ ,” Adora said while leaning over with her hands on her knees. 

Catra smirked. “Yeah yeah, whatever you have to say to make yourself feel better. Just face it, you’re never gonna beat me at this.” 

Adora scowled as she came up to sit on the railing, next to Catra. “One day I will.” 

“Sure, if you say so.”

They sat in the quiet for a little while. Technically they weren’t allowed to be up here, and technically curfew was 5 minutes ago. But this was also the one place Shadow Weaver or the Rebellion or even the other cadets couldn’t reach them. 

The one place that was really theirs. 

“I can’t wait to get out of here,” Catra proclaimed. And it was true. She had no love for the Horde.

“Once we get promoted and they give us the actually important stuff to do we can finally rule the world, just like we always planned.” This was how the conversation usually went. And Adora usually responded with a similar sentiment. But tonight she was a little quieter. A little more hesitant to answer. After what felt like minutes Adora said simply, “I wanna get out of here, too.” 

Catra didn’t look at Adora. They were together on this, weren’t they? She had always thought Adora wanted the same thing as her. To leave, to have each other. To be free, from everything. But her slow answer and thoughtful expression were at odds with these ideas. Catra’s brows furrowed and she crossed her arms, looking like the same petulant child Adora befriended years ago. If Adora was having second thoughts, then what was Catra supposed to do? For the first time Catra found herself confused about what exactly Adora wanted. She suspected Adora was confused, too.   
The Fright Zone somehow looked a little darker than before. 

Lying to Shadow Weaver was nothing new. Catra doubted she’d ever told her the full truth on anything. But Shadow Weaver always knew. When Catra said over and over she didn’t know that Adora had left, was not even aware she had been planning to, Shadow Weaver still knew. She wouldn’t shut up about how they had to find Adora, and apparently it was all up to Catra now. 

“And you are _certain_ you do not know where she is? I was under the impression that Adora told you everything,” Shadow Weaver sneered, her contempt evident in every word. She’d always hated that Adora was so...familiar with Catra. So protective. 

Catra shrugged, trying to look casual. “Yeah, well, I guess she let us both down.” Shadow Weaver’s eyes narrowed, but she said nothing more. 

Catra left the Black Garnet chamber, her hands only shaking a little. She was getting better at hiding that insistent trembling that always plagued her in that room. Without really meaning to, Catra found herself on Adora’s bed, staring up at the bunk above. The bunk that was technically hers, but she never used it. Adora had always been there, and sleeping on her bed had always been too inviting to ignore. But now...now she’d be sleeping alone. For the first time in a long time. It was just sinking in that Adora leaving meant a lot of the things she’d come to rely upon were leaving with her. 

A few tears rolled down her cheeks. This wasn’t fair. Why did Adora leave her behind? Was she that eager to get rid of her? That eager to do...whatever it was she was doing, without Catra? Her hands found the pillow beneath her and shredded it, punched it, let out all her frustration and hurt. She let loose a guttural yell. Very soon the pillow was completely destroyed. Catra was trembling again, and she hated that, hated this feeling. She felt weak and alone and fragile. Adora certainly didn’t feel that way. She was off seeing the places they were supposed to see _together_. 

She had escaped. Catra hadn’t. And Adora didn’t seem to really care. 

Impulsively, Catra swiped out her claws to scratch over the drawing of Adora and Catra’s faces they’d done on the wall when they were kids. She immediately regretted it. How long had that drawing been there? 10 years? A whole decade since then. Look where they were now. Breathing in deeply to calm herself, Catra got up and brushed off the scraps of cloth that had flown off from the pillow. She was angry, obviously. But that didn’t mean she was just going to give up. She was going to find Adora. She was going to bring her back. 

And when she did, Adora had a lot of explaining to do. 

“Hey, Adora.” Catra slid one fingernail lightly over the sword. Adora’s—no, She Ra’s sword. This one stupid chunk of metal and, what, magic? This one thing was all it took for Adora to leave her. But maybe it was better, right? Now she knew. 

“Catra!” Adora yelled. She was hanging by a thin thread off the side of a cliff. “You made it just in time. Help me, please.” 

Catra glanced down, but ignored her request. “This thing wouldn’t work for me if I tried, would it? It only works for you. But, then again, you’re special. That’s what Shadow Weaver always told us anyway.” 

Of course Adora would be the one to unlock this great power. Proving Shadow Weaver right and getting ahead of Catra in one fell swoop. Adora would always be one step ahead. Not this time, though. Catra allowed herself to feel pleased at that thought. She had Adora where she wanted her, not the other way around. 

Adora looked worried. She always looked so worried. “Catra, what are you doing? Help me up,” she said. The frustration tinging her voice grated on Catra’s nerves. 

“You know, it all makes sense now,” Catra said with emphasis on her relaxed tone. She was relaxed. She was calm. “You’ve always been the one thing holding me back. You wanted me to think I needed you, you wanted me to feel weak.” Catra looked down at Adora. She let the bitterness creep into her tone. She wanted Adora to hear these words. Take them to heart. “Every hero needs a sidekick, right?” 

Adora shook her head. “No, Catra, that was never how it was.” Catra bristled at that but she played it off with a laugh. Adora was denying it even now.   
Even when they both knew. 

She leaned down, propping her weight up against the sword. She continued like Adora hadn’t spoken. “You know, the sad thing is I’ve spent all this time hoping you’d come back to the Horde, but really, you leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me.” Adora’s eyes widened, in shock and a little bit wounded. Good. Catra wanted this to hurt. “I am so much stronger than anyone _ever_ thought.” 

Very delicately, Catra cut the thin rope Adora was desperately holding on to. It dropped away, leaving Adora hanging one handed. “I wonder what I could’ve been if I’d gotten rid of you sooner.” She knew what she would have been without Adora. She would have had to rely on herself, only herself. She would be stronger. Shadow Weaver wouldn’t always have something to compare her to. Catra would be better. Alone. But that was the price she would have to pay to achieve what she really wanted. She wanted to be great. To be _something_. 

Catra cut the last bit of rope, but Adora clutched at an outcropping on the cliff last minute. “I’m sorry! I never meant to make you feel like you were second best,” Adora screamed. A wasted attempt. Obviously she was only saying it so Catra would help her. Well, she was tired of helping Adora. “Please don’t do this!”   
Catra held the sword in her hand, saw the way it glinted in the red light of this weird, terrifying cave they were in. She gave a rueful smile. Her decision made, she tossed the sword over the cliff side. Good riddance. “Bye, Adora. I really am going to miss you.” 

She turned away and her hands felt empty without the weight of the sword. She heard Adora screaming her name, but she didn’t turn back. The last thing she really heard was a woman’s voice saying something about letting go. She wanted to tell the woman not to waste her time.   
Adora had already let go of everything from before. And now, so had Catra. 

Light flashed all around her. The wind was howling and unforgivable as it whipped Catra’s hair around her face, making it difficult to see. She could really only see what was in front of her. The lever, the switch, whatever you wanted to call it. All she had to do was pull it and...well, she didn’t really know what would happen. Would the universe implode? Adora certainly seemed to think so. She turned to look where Adora was chained to the post. She was struggling violently, and yelling at the top of her lungs. The wind was too loud to really hear what she was saying but Catra could guess. Desperate pleas, useless attempts at persuasion. No, Catra wasn’t at all sure what pulling this lever would do. What she did know was that Adora would give anything for her not to do it. And that was more than enough reason for Catra. She smiled, cruelly, and pulled the switch. And the world exploded into blinding white. 

They were up in their secret place, like they usually were. The sun was setting like it usually was when they were up here. Everything was perfect. Everything was okay. Adora was next to her. But Adora was kind of freaking out. She was acting pretty weird, weirder than usual. Disoriented. “You just need to relax,” Catra reassured her. 

“Yeah...yeah you’re right,” Adora answered, but she didn’t sound so sure. Catra went ahead anyway. If she acted like it was normal it eventually would be. 

“Of course I’m right, everything’s perfect. Soon, the two of us will be ruling Etheria together, just like we always planned.” Immediately after saying it Catra had the strangest feeling of déjà vu. They talked like this all the time so it made sense, but it felt stronger for some reason. Weird. But she was soon distracted by Adora’s answer. 

“Is that what you really want? To rule the world?” Adora questioned. Catra was caught off guard. Hadn’t this been their plan since the beginning? Escaping the Fright Zone? And the only way they could do that was if they were powerful enough to make sure they never had to go back. Was Adora backing out? 

“I-I mean, yeah, obviously. Isn’t that what you want, too?” Catra waited nervously for the response. When it came, it wasn’t what she wanted. 

“I don’t know,” Adora admitted. 

“Don’t flake out on me now, not when we’re so close. This is what we’ve always wanted!” Catra felt more and more like she was trying to convince not only Adora, but herself, too. “Come on, everything will be perfect as long as we stay together.” Adora had to feel the same way. Instead, she said something strange. 

“What if we don’t stay together? What if it all goes wrong?” Adora’s voice was frantic. She stood up, looking out into the distance. “Why can’t you _see_ that?” 

Catra could feel Adora getting farther away from her. She was losing her. Desperately, she grabbed her hand. “Adora,” Catra said firmly. When Adora turned to look at her, her eyes were terrified. Catra didn’t know what to say. She only knew she had to hold on. “Stay with me, okay?” Adora gave no response. Catra heard Lonnie call out to them from the ground. She kept her eyes on Adora for a long moment and then looked down. Whatever was happening with Adora couldn’t be a good thing. 

Catra woke with a start. She felt like she’d been in a long and complicated dream. Snatches of it flashed behind her eyes. Faces she didn’t remember, words she didn’t recall saying. Her jaw ached for some reason. Then her surroundings caught up to her. The building was collapsing on top of her and she needed to get out. _Now_.   
The portal had failed. Catra had failed. She’d have to worry about that later. She grabbed Hordak, talking some sense into him and sending him out the door. She was close behind, stopping for only a second to turn and look at Adora. Except it wasn’t Adora. It was She Ra. The great and mighty She Ra, saving the day once again. But when they locked eyes Catra could feel the rage and wrath emanating from her. She Ra faced her whole body towards Catra. And the look she gave her...that look she couldn’t separate into a different person. This was Adora, glaring at her like that. This was Adora, furious with her. This was how Adora looked when there was no going back. Catra felt stricken and raw. Cut open and bleeding out, right here and now. She backed away. She couldn’t look anymore. She let the shadows of the Sanctum consume her. Catra ran away and for once Adora didn’t follow. 

Catra startled awake, again. Ever since the portal that’s the only way she ever seemed to wake up. She kept having these dreams. Adora would stand in front of her and hold out her hand. Catra would reach, but she’d fall right through her, like Adora was only a ghost. But Adora’s words would echo around her, over and over. 

_“Why did you do it?”_

Catra could cover her ears, but the sound still bled through, insistent and unforgiving. 

Other times, it would be Shadow Weaver. Catra would walk closer and closer to a great black cloud and the lightning that flashed would be blood red. She would start to run towards it and no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t run the other way. The darkness enveloped her and it felt almost like a caress. Then lightning would strike her and she would awake with all her hair standing on end. Reminding herself that Shadow Weaver was in Bright Moon now. She had left for Adora. 

Sometimes it was even Scorpia. But she would only stare, with deep regret in her eyes and her head downcast. Catra had tried every remedy she could think of to get rid of these nightmares but they seemed determined to stick with her. Even in sleep she was restless. 

Catra shook off the latest dream, in which Scorpia had been walking away from her, silently, leaving Catra stuck in the cell she’d been put in when Hordak had found her invaluable. Catra almost felt emboldened by the memory. She’d certainly proved him wrong. She dressed quickly, making sure to tuck every strand of hair back behind the headpiece she always wore. She couldn’t actually remember where she’d gotten it. But at this point she barely recognized herself without it. Catra headed out to start the day, leaving the worthless memories behind her. 

If you had told Catra that she would one day end up kidnapped on a spaceship with the queen of Bright Moon as her only ally, she would have laughed in your face. And probably said you should see a medic. Now though, this insane situation had somehow become her reality. 

Sitting back to back with Sparkles every day was the only peace she could find on this stupid, never ending ship. It was dark (which she didn’t really mind that much) and sometimes her eyes would play tricks on her and she would see younger versions of her and Adora running through the corridors (which she minded a lot). Like holograms. Some kind of sick mental game Horde Prime wanted to play. 

Catra was used to feeling unsure. She was used to feeling scared. But she really thought she had been done with that. She had finally, _finally_ , been close to defeating the Rebellion. To defeating She Ra, all the princesses. And then she’d had that taken from her, too. Every single thing she had spent the past three years working towards was gone in a second. And she wasn’t better than Horde Prime. She couldn’t outsmart him. He had looked right into her heart and plucked out her deepest fears. Insecurities. He knew what they were, he knew how to use them. Almost worse than Shadow Weaver. 

In a heated, albeit short, argument with Sparkles she had exclaimed, “And now what, Catra? What do you have left? Where do you think you can go from here?” 

Catra had immediately been put on the defensive. What did a princess know about rising through the ranks? “I can show Horde Prime I’m valuable, he’ll see-” 

Glimmer laughed out loud, mockingly. “Oh yeah? What happens when you’re not valuable anymore, when Horde Prime wakes up one day and decides that he really doesn’t need you for anything? What then?” 

“I-” Catra started and found she could not finish. What could she do? Out here in space, in _nothing_ , there was nowhere to go if she messed up. No one and nothing would catch her if she fell. Sparkles was right. 

“I’ll think of something. I always do.” Catra stared Glimmer down, wanting to feel the truth of her words even as she knew they were a lie. 

Glimmer just shook her head. She didn’t look angry anymore. She looked more than a little sad. Pitying. Catra had stalked away, furious and defeated and scared. The last thing she wanted was pity. 

Originally, Catra planned to just ignore Sparkles form then on. But, she’d admit it, Horde Prime’s ship was not only dark and strange and creepy, it was...lonely. And unfortunately Sparkles was her only real option for company out here. The clones freaked her out. With their dead eyes and hollow voices. It was even worse when Horde Prime decided to _check in_ every now and then. The feeling of constantly being watched suffocated Catra. So, again and again, she found herself visiting Sparkles in her cell. 

The first couple times it was awkward and stiff. They barely talked. Any wrong word would set both of them off. If Catra hadn’t been so angry sometimes she would have almost been impressed by how alike they were. It was now day 9 of being stuck aboard the ship and they had both dropped the pretense of superiority. Nothing mattered out here anyway. Sitting back to back through the shimmery, holographic cell wall, they would talk for as long as they could get away with it. 

“You teleported to the _roof_ of the castle? Some control of your powers you have there.” 

“I didn’t know what I was doing! I had barely started using my powers. Bow was freaking out on the ground, of course, and he had to run and get my mom. I was crying and I almost fell but, my mom got me before I could really get hurt.” Glimmer sighed. 

“I really miss her.” 

Catra froze. She was glad they were back to back so Glimmer couldn’t see her. Catra had never had a mother. Shadow Weaver had raised her, sort of. But the selfless love and true heartbreak from losing someone like that was completely foreign to her. All she could say was “yeah?” 

“Yeah. I...I have a lot of regrets. I treated her worse than I should have sometimes. I even called her a coward! My mom! And she—she _died_ sacrificing herself. That’s the bravest thing I think anyone can do.” 

Sacrifice? Catra wasn’t so sure how brave that was. It was noble, sure, but once you were gone you left everyone else to clean up all the mess. But she couldn’t say that to Sparkles. So instead she said nothing. The unspoken words between them lay heavily in the air. 

Catra didn’t really know the details of how Queen Angella had died. But she knew it had something to do with the Portal. The Portal _Catra_ had opened. She knew that Glimmer knew it, too. But for once, Sparkles didn’t call her out on something. She just let it hover over them. She let it stay. It felt a little like acceptance. Not quite forgiveness. But it was something. 

“But what about you?” Glimmer asked from across the room. Her face was petrified and she looked like she was shaking. Catra kept doing what she was doing. She wasn’t entirely sure what all these stupid buttons did but how hard could it be? She tried to follow the same sequence she’d seen the clones perform. This was Glimmer’s only way back to her friends. The only way back to Adora. 

“Me?” Catra responded. What about her? She didn’t matter anymore. What had she ever truly accomplished in her miserable life? She’d lost the one person she’d ever really cared for. Shadow Weaver had abandoned her. She’d been betrayed time and time again. Double Trouble’s words bounced around her head, even though she heard it in Scropia’s voice. 

_It’s you. You drive them away._

“All I do is hurt people. There’s—there’s no one left in the entire universe who cares about me.” 

Catra opened up a com to Adora’s ship. After an agonizing moment where she wondered if the coordinates were wrong it patched through. 

“Adora?” 

“Catra?” Even in this awful situation, where Catra was throwing everything away, her life, her past, her future, she couldn’t help but feel relieved just from hearing Adora’s voice. 

“You don’t sound that happy to hear me,” she laughed. But then the gravity of what has happening caught up to her again. 

“I’m sending Glimmer to you. I don’t know your exact location, but I can get her to your quadrant. You _have_ to be there to catch her. It’s not safe and it’s not pretty but it’s the only choice she has.” 

Adora’s voice was panicked over the line. “Wait, wait, wait, what? Catra, what’s going on? Glimmer is—with you?” 

For a split second Catra felt such immeasurable sadness it threatened to bring her to her knees. She was really leaving Adora this time. Once she had Glimmer on their ship they would take off and never look back. Adora could finally be at peace. She had always been so anxious, so afraid to do the wrong thing. But Catra could help with that now. Sending Glimmer back made the decision for her. There was no reason for Adora to come back. 

It was a sacrifice. A real one. Catra remembered Glimmer’s words, about sacrifice equalling bravery. Adora would agree. Maybe they’d both be able to forgive her because of this. But Catra would never find out. 

“We don’t have time for this. You need to get to these coordinates _now_. Don’t come here, no matter what. Horde Prime is ready for you.” Catra grunted as she threw off a clone that had tried to drag her away. They had gotten through now, time was nearly out, and Adora _still_ wasn’t listening. 

“Catra, I don’t _understand_. What is—”

Catra yelled, in frustration and pain from the sharp fingernails digging into her arm. “Just listen for once! Adora—” Catra struggled but she couldn’t move. The clones had their arms wrapped around hers and they were too strong. She wasn’t enough. 

“I’m sorry! For everything!” 

She pulled her hand free just long enough to hit the switch that would send Glimmer home. She locked eyes with Glimmer as she faded away. She looked like she was yelling Catra’s name. Another clone cut off the communication to the ship and the last words from Adora were a strangled “Come back!” A knife to the chest wouldn’t have hurt as much as those words. 

_I want to. I want to come back._

But this wasn’t about what she wanted. Not anymore. 

It was dark and then it wasn’t. It was cold and then it was boiling hot. It was sharp and rough and then she felt nothing at all. Catra felt like she had been here for years or seconds or days or minutes. The pain was excruciating. Something was spreading from the back of her neck and all through her body. She could see green liquid pouring over her arms, her face. It was in her eyes and hair. She reached back to touch her neck, shocked at the loss of contact. Wasn’t there supposed to be hair? All she touched was open air. She was exposed. She cried out but the liquid covered her mouth. It was everywhere. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t think. The only words in her mind were Horde Prime’s.   
The only voice she knew was Horde Prime’s.   
Horde Prime would save her.   
Prime cast out all shadows.   
She felt an unbearable weight lifted off her shoulders. She rose up, out of the darkness. 

She was made anew. 

Life. Warmth. Breath. Catra’s eyes fluttered as she was pulled from the edge. She recognized Adora’s face above her and Adora’s hands holding her. She coughed, and Adora’s eyes locked on to hers. Blue and scared and hopeful and despairing all at once. Adora had never held her this tightly. 

“Hey...Adora,” Catra uttered weakly. 

Adora took in a shaky breath and immediately embraced Catra. Startled, it took her a second to hug back. But when she did, oh when she did, the world clicked into place again. Something in the universe that had been imbalanced was righted. Catra had never felt so safe. They cried into each other’s shoulders for a long time. 

Catra had never been the most eloquent. A lot of the time words failed her, as they failed her now. So she put all her sorrow and laid it on Adora’s shoulders. Adora could carry her regret, and she could carry Adora’s. They were finally, _finally_ , together on this. She hoped that Adora wouldn’t let go, because Catra had no plans to.

“I told you not to come back!” Catra yelled. Why was she yelling? The last thing she wanted was to push Adora away again. So _why_ was she like this? Why couldn’t she stop? 

After Catra had rested for a while it didn’t take long for her and Adora to fall back into their old habits. She knew neither of them wanted to fight right now. It just felt so easy, so natural. 

“But you just love feeling like a hero, don’t you?” 

Even as Catra said it she knew it wasn’t really true. Adora was self-sacrificing and infuriating and arrogant sometimes. But now she doubted that Adora actually enjoyed the feeling. Especially not after everything that had happened since she became She Ra. 

“You’d rather I left you there to die?” Adora said in exasperation. 

“What do you care? I know you all _hate_ me!” Catra shouted. There was no way any of them could ever forgive her. All that shit about sacrifice? Why did she ever think that would be enough? 

“I never hated you!” Adora yelled, her face overcome with emotion. Catra was shocked by the sincerity in her words. Adora was a bad liar at the best of times. She couldn’t have been faking this. Which meant it was true. All these years of imagining this mutual hatred between them. They’d been for nothing. All these years parted from Adora had been pointless. And it had been Catra’s fault. She couldn’t take that. 

They argued and argued and just like before Catra could feel Adora slipping out of her reach. She was walking away, but Catra wouldn’t let her this time. She grabbed Adora’s arm, holding it as tightly as she could. She didn’t want to be alone anymore. She wanted to _fix_ this. 

“Adora, wait…” Catra let her hand drag down Adora’s arm until they were clasping hands. “Please...stay.” Adora waited. Only a second. Then she sat back down on the bed, with Catra. 

She stayed. 

They were back in the Fright Zone. The mission had just started and Catra already felt wary. Not just because there were a million ways this mission could go horribly, horribly wrong. Being back in the Fright Zone was just...weird. Everywhere they walked Catra would imagine Shadow Weaver following her, or hear Hordak screaming from his Sanctum. Adora felt it too, she could tell. They paused for a moment to look out and make sure the coast was clear. It gave them a second to really take in where they were standing. 

“We have so many memories here…” Adora said wistfully, a tinge of remorse in her tone. Catra nodded. 

“Most of them bad.” 

Adora’s eyes looked cloudy and unfocused. Catra knew she was getting too wrapped up into what once was. Maybe she could show her a good memory instead. 

“Hey, bet I can still beat you to the Forge,” Catra grinned. 

“Uh, because you always cheat!” Adora responded like Catra knew she would. 

They ran off, laughing and carefree as they could be with the circumstances the way they were. Melog made sure they stayed invisible, keeping them safe from any wandering lookouts. 

It didn’t really feel like old times. Too much had changed for anything to ever feel like it used to be. But it felt...happier. For just a second, Catra and Adora were just the stupid teenagers they were never allowed to be. Who would have thought Catra would find her childhood in the spot that had taken it from her in the first place. With Adora by her side she was starting to think that most things she never thought possible could happen to her. Even happiness. 

Perfuma was smiling so kindly it almost hurt. 

“It’s hard keeping your heart open,” she admitted as she put her hands on Catra’s shoulders. Ordinarily, she would have brushed this kind of physical contact off immediately. But she somehow knew that Perfuma really had good intentions. She was just trustworthy like that. 

“It makes you vulnerable. But it doesn’t make you weak.” 

This was confusing. How could it not make you weak? If people knew what you really wanted they could use it to their advantage. But Perfuma kept going. 

“And, I have to believe it’s worth it,” and as she said it she glanced up behind Catra. Catra turned around and saw that she was looking at Adora. All of a sudden she felt terrified. Perfuma knew. She knew about her...intense feelings for Adora. Catra was speechless and she almost felt like running away. 

But something stopped her. 

Perfuma knew what she wanted...and she hadn’t used it against Catra. The opposite, even. She was trying to help her repair her relationship with Adora. Maybe Perfuma was right. Catra thought of all the times she had been weak, no, vulnerable, and it had paid off. 

Clutching Adora’s hand in the ship. Adora had stayed. 

Apologizing to Entrapta. Entrapta had forgiven her. 

The few moments back in the Horde when she had let herself have a real conversation with Scorpia. In return, Scorpia had given her understanding and advice and unwavering loyalty. Not that Catra had appreciated it at the time. 

She looked back at Perfuma. Catra gave a small nod. She could try it. Not only for Adora. But for everyone, even herself. 

It’s Shadow Weaver. Of course it is. She always had to ruin everything. Shadow Weaver, again, trying to get in between her and Adora. 

Catra listened to the rushed conversation from behind a column in the tunnel. It would be disastrous if Shadow Weaver caught her eavesdropping. 

Why did she _care_ so much about her and Adora? No, not her. Just Adora. Always just Adora. Catra had to close her eyes to distract herself from the memories. Shadow Weaver only ever paid attention to her when Adora was involved. She didn’t blame Adora for that anymore. She didn’t. And yet...it was so difficult sometimes. To remember it wasn’t Adora’s fault. To force herself to accept that Adora was just as much of a victim as her. 

“Catra, she...distracts you, confuses you,” Shadow Weaver crooned. Catra stood so still she could have been mistaken for a statue. It gave her the unnerving sense that she was stuck. She couldn’t move. It felt like Shadow Weaver’s magic even though she knew that was long gone. 

“Haven’t you hurt each other enough?”

Catra’s breath caught on her next inhale. Maybe...Shadow Weaver was right. Hadn’t she only ever caused Adora pain and suffering? 

“If you care about her, focus on protecting her. The world _needs_ you as She Ra right now, not Adora. And if She Ra can’t stop Prime, then we are all doomed.” 

Adora’s voice was hard and confident when she responded. 

“I will stop Prime. No matter what.”

Catra had the sickening feeling that this was the beginning of an end. 

The failsafe. Their only option for destroying the Heart of Etheria. 

She Ra. Their only option for a vessel to carry it. 

Adora. Their only martyr. 

It didn’t have to be this way. If Shadow Weaver wasn’t so cruel and _selfish_ , if Horde Prime had never come to Etheria, if Catra had never helped him get here. Now they were out of choices and there was only one to make. And Catra knew Adora would make it. 

In the same vein of sheer stubbornness and genetic make up that made Shadow Weaver the way she was, Adora was as equally selfless as Shadow Weaver was self-absorbed. She would do it. She would sacrifice herself, so everyone, even _Catra_ , would be okay. Even after all of this. The injustice of it all hit Catra like a bolt of lightning. Adora didn’t deserve that, any of it. And she would do it anyway. 

Catra’s hands were shaking and her legs were trembling when she reached out to Adora, again, again, she would always be reaching. And Adora would always be too far. 

“Adora, please!” Catra begged. She hated to beg. She didn’t care. 

“It doesn’t always have to be you!” 

Adora stared and stared but the words barely seemed to register. She had already made up her mind. Catra wasn’t enough to change it. 

When Adora took the failsafe, and her screams of pain rebounded across the glass walls, Catra knew one thing as sure as she’d ever known anything in her life. 

Sacrifice may be bravery, but it wasn’t love. 

The next time Adora offered her hand Catra didn’t take it. 

She had to leave. She had tried to be vulnerable, tried to be different. As it turned out, Perfuma had been wrong. Catra couldn’t be a different person any more than Adora could. 

She had thought she was stealthy enough, but apparently not. Adora followed her and chased her down and finally caught her. It was just a little too late.

“You were just gonna leave?” Adora held her wrists as she searched Catra’s face. Looking for some kind of answer. Well, Catra had one for her. 

“I’m doing you a _favor_ ,” she said, shoving her bag into Adora’s chest. 

“I’m a distraction, right? Now you can go save the world without having to worry about me _confusing_ you.” Did Adora trust her that little? It was hard to take Shadow Weaver’s words as truth but the evidence seemed unshakeable. They could have figured something out, Adora didn’t need to take the failsafe. She could have listened to Catra, for once. 

"No, that’s not true, don't listen to Shadow Weaver, this isn’t about her!” 

Catra shoved Adora to the ground. She couldn’t handle being that close to Adora, not if they were going to talk like this. Not if they were going to tell the truth. 

“Why—why are you _like this_? Why do you always have to sacrifice everything for everyone else? When do you get to choose?” Catra pleaded. She had to know. 

“What do you want, Adora?” 

_Please._

Adora looked thunderstruck. Catra doubted anyone had ever asked her that before. And that wasn’t fair either. None of it was. 

“I-I have to do this, Catra. I’m the only one who can!” 

Catra had known Adora her whole life. She had expected that exact response. The anticipation didn’t make it hurt any less. 

“Then do it,” Catra said. She didn’t mean it. She would have done anything if she thought it would convince Adora not to go through with it. 

“That’s what you want. That’s what you’ll always choose.” There it was again, that ever-present _want_. Catra thought she had everything she wanted, with Adora. If Adora didn’t feel the same way...there could be no future with her. With _them_. 

“I don’t have to stay and watch it happen,” Catra said. 

Adora leaned over, on her knees, still holding on to that ratty old backpack. 

“Catra, please...stay. I need you.”

Catra couldn’t even muster the energy to feel sad. She felt absolutely empty. Whatever Adora believed she needed from her, she could find it somewhere else.

“No you don’t,” Catra answered. “You never have.” Her voice broke on the last word and she disappeared with Melog beside her. The only thing that followed her this time was Adora’s strangled cry. 

Melog was trying to push her back, but she wasn’t in the mood for games. There was no way she was turning around now. Despite her adamant protests, Melog still pinned her to the ground. Catra cried out, hurt and tired of this, all of it. 

“You saw what happened! Adora chose Shadow Weaver, okay, not _me_!” 

Catra turned her head to the side and let the tears fall off the bridge of her nose. She was so, so tired. 

“Adora doesn’t want me...not like I want her.” 

There. She admitted it. She didn’t care anymore, didn’t give a fuck about what Shadow Weaver or the princesses or even Adora thought. She _wanted_ Adora. Openly. Unashamed. Free. A tiny thought in her mind that reminded her of Perfuma said that it was okay. 

It was okay. 

Suddenly, she heard footsteps behind her. Melog quickly covered her and they hid by the trees next to them. It was a clone. What was he doing all the way out here? Without thinking, Catra decided to follow. 

“I’ll stay. I’ll find her.” 

Catra was back in another stupid, _annoying_ , tunnel. Glimmer and Bow were freaking out, and Catra was right there with them. Adora was somewhere in this horror show and she wasn’t going to leave her alone this time. Being rejected by Adora was something she didn’t have the capacity to handle healthily. In her heart she had known that she could never just leave Adora to die. But she had left anyway. Because she had gotten her feelings hurt. How stupid was that? Adora’s life was in real danger and Catra was concerned about a little heartbreak. 

Catra knew her emotions were as unsteady as a ship in a storm but she had one thing, one true fact, that centered her time and time again. She loved Adora. She loved her. And it didn’t matter if Adora loved her back. Catra could do this for her. Catra could protect her this time. 

“I can’t lose her again, okay?” Glimmer and Bow looked a little surprised but also...like they understood. Could they see it, too?

“I promised her a long time ago that I’d look out for her.” 

Their promise. Catra’s safety net, ever since they were kids. When Adora left the Horde she thought she had broken it. And in a way she had. But what Catra had been blind to, had purposefully looked away from, was that she had broken it, too. Neither of them were innocent. But Catra had a lot of making up to do. 

“It’s time I made good on that,” Catra said firmly. No room for discussion. 

Without giving her time to react, Glimmer rushed forward and hugged Catra. 

“Take care of her, Horde scum.” The joke was directly contrasted by how watery her voice was. Catra felt her own tears. Saw them drip onto Glimmer’s clothes, and she chuckled. 

“That’s the plan, Sparkles. And, good luck.” Glimmer smiled. 

Bow came up behind them and took them into a group hug. Normally, Catra disliked these. But she saw its merits now. This easy feeling of friendship was something she had rarely experienced. Her heart felt full and happy when Bow said “the four of us don’t need luck. We’re the best friend squad.” 

Catra stepped back, taking them in for only a second before leaning down to pet Melog. “Get them there safe, okay?” 

Against all odds, she trusted these people. Adora’s friends. 

_Her_ friends. 

Glimmer and Bow vanished in front of her eyes. 

Catra was ready.

Adora’s hands were so warm as she cradled Catra’s face. Rough and calloused and just right. “It’s okay,” she said. “I’m ready.” 

It was too much, too much. Losing Shadow Weaver moments before. And now Adora. Who would she be without them? 

For a long time, her whole life really, Catra had assumed Adora was this sacrificial to prove something. To prove she could do it, that she was worth something, that she could save people. But it wasn’t all about that. It never had been. It was also a genuine action for the people she cared about. Catra had realized that she couldn’t persuade Adora to change her mind not because she didn’t care for Catra but...because she cared too much. And if Adora could be this kind, this giving, Catra would give it back twice as strong. 

Adora’s hands dragged slowly down her face until they let go completely but Catra held on. 

“No,” Catra refused. She would not accept this. Not like this. 

“Catra,” Adora pleaded, her tears flowing freely. 

“No, I’m not leaving. Whatever happens I am staying with you!” And Adora didn’t argue. She was too exhausted. Too tired to even try. Catra grabbed her arm as Adora stepped up to release the failsafe. She was going to absorb the full magic and power of the planet. 

Untamed and unexplored. No way back. 

And Catra would stand with her through it all. She made it a promise. 

She hoped Adora could feel it. 

It was worse than she could have imagined. Adora had collapsed almost immediately. The magic, the raw _power_ radiating from the Heart was overwhelming, and if Catra was feeling it this much she couldn’t imagine what Adora was feeling. She cradled her head, gently, Adora’s body sprawled sideways in her lap. 

“You can’t give up,” she choked. “You have never given up on anything in your life. Not even on me.” Catra’s voice was broken. She could barely speak but she wouldn’t leave. She wouldn’t stop. Adora needed her. 

“So don’t you _dare_ start now.” Adora had apologized, before her eyes had closed. Catra couldn’t believe her. Adora was giving up her life to save everything, everyone, and she was sorry for not doing better. She had to tell her she hadn’t lost. 

“You haven’t failed. You can come back, it’s not too late Adora, please!”

Catra pulled Adora against her, tightly. “I’ve got you. I’m not letting go.” 

She sucked in a deep breath. Adora was dying. Adora was dying and she had never told her. 

“Don’t you get it? I love you! I always have!” Catra couldn’t believe it had taken until now to say it. Would it be enough? It _had_ to be enough. 

“So, please, just this once, _stay_!” 

Catra rested her forehead on Adora’s chest. She could hear how loud each breath she took was and her whole body shook. Years and years had led up to this. Not in some twisted destiny. Not in an inevitable way. But because right here and now Catra was in love with Adora. And she would give every part of herself to save her now. 

One more whispered, broken confession. “Stay.”

 _Stay._

Lightning struck green and black, surrounding her and Adora. Catra ducked even further into Adora’s chest, but there was no need. Adora was _awake_. Adora was awake. She held her shield over Catra, protecting her even after all this time. She was breathless and green lines of poison spread over her face and hands. 

Catra had never felt so euphoric in her life. Adora was _alive_.

“You—you love me?” Adora asked in disbelief. 

Catra had to laugh. How could Adora not have known? 

“You’re such an idiot,” she said, but when she glanced back at Adora’s face she had the softest expression she’d ever seen. Catra suddenly felt embarrassed. Why was she looking at her...like _that_? 

“I love you, too,” Adora confessed, breathless in her admission. 

Catra...didn’t know what to do. Her brain short circuited and her hands immediately stilled where they had been restless on Adora’s waist. 

Adora...loved her? 

Adora _loved_ her. 

She loved Adora. 

Her and Adora were in love. 

Catra grinned so brightly she could have rivalled the sun and Adora blushed, reminding Catra just how pretty she was. Catra didn’t have words for this. So she leaned down instead. She cradled Adora’s face, leaned in, paused. She gave Adora one second to back out. Just in case. But when Adora made no such move and they kissed for the first time, Catra felt confident and giddy and out of her mind. 

_She_ was what Adora wanted. 

They kissed and kissed until the light around them turned golden and the darkness couldn’t find them anymore. 

The world had never looked this way before. Everywhere Catra turned there was new life and smiling people. It looked like what Catra had always imagined life outside of the Fright Zone to be. Safe. Happy. Joyful. 

She had seen Scorpia a few minutes ago. Her first instinct was to run away. She had come to terms with her actions, but it wasn’t guaranteed that Scorpia had, too. But she wasn’t who she used to be. 

She walked up to Scorpia with only a little hesitation. Scorpia’s mouth dropped open at the sight of her. Everyone around them was talking and laughing but the air between them was still. Until, thankfully, beautifully, Scorpia extended one claw. A soft smile on her face. Catra smiled too, and took it, fully expecting the great bear hug she was immediately pulled into. Catra wrapped her arms tightly around Scorpia’s neck and whispered a small “sorry”. Scorpia nodded, once, twice, and when they pulled away both had tears in their eyes. 

Catra knew that wasn’t enough. Knew that she’d have to work a lot harder to make it up to Scorpia and truly earn her forgiveness. 

But in that moment...it was okay. 

Later, after wandering from group to group and even getting several hugs along the way, she spotted Adora at the top of a now vibrant hill. Even just looking at Adora from a distance made her racing mind go still and her agitated hands settle. She walked up behind her, saying her name to get her attention. Adora turned and gave a soft smile, offering a hand that Catra gladly took this time. 

She resolved never to refuse it again. 

Adora pulled her in until their foreheads touched, a comforting affection. 

“It’s over. He’s gone,” Adora said brightly. 

Catra closed her eyes. “Good riddance.”

Glimmer and Bow popped up beside them, making Catra jump, and unsteadying them so much that they all fell down in a big heap. Laughing with pure delight, Catra looked up at the cotton candy colored sky from where she lay on the ground. She felt more at peace than she thought she’d ever felt in her life. 

“So, what are we gonna do now?” Bow asked. 

Adora sighed next to Catra. “We can bring magic back to the universe!” 

Catra’s heart nearly exploded in her chest. They were going to see not just the world, but the whole universe! Every planet they could find. And they would be together. All of them, her, Glimmer, Bow, Adora.

“What do you guys say to one more best friend squad road trip?” Adora asked excitedly. They all stood up, gathered by Bow in a big group hug. Everyone voiced their agreement and Catra couldn’t imagine being happier. 

“Then let’s do this.” Adora squeezed her hand. “Together.” 

So, her and Adora weren’t going to do everything they always planned. But what Catra hadn’t known was that her plan could be so much _better_. 

Today Catra was safe, away from the Horde. She had new friends and she’d make new memories with the old ones. She was with the girl she loved. 

Catra looked at Adora for a long moment, and then back up to the sky. 

They were going to see _everything_. And Catra could admit now that every step they had taken to get here was worth it. Adora squeezed her hand again. 

_Yeah, it was worth it._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated. I might write more fics in the future so if you like my writing stay tuned :)
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skGqd6JTJxE  
> (inspiration for the title of this work)


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